The Tipping Scam and the Beauty Industry

David Lee Roth was recently slammed for being a “fecalesque” tipper after he left a $20 bill for a $200 tab. I thought 10% was customary. Okay, let’s say it’s 15% --how much would you be willing to bet that the waitress would still bitch if she got $30?

I say, “Right on, Dave.” And “Rock on, Patriarchy.”

If payment is mandatory, then it’s not a tip. When people expect 15%, demand it, and then slime anyone who fails to cough up, then a tip is no longer a gratuity, a gesture of kindness by the customer, but a shakedown enforced by the threat of social blackmail.

I see this all the time, dating and pickup women books giving the following advice on dating a waitress: “Go to her restaurant, order a meal, and tip generously.” You think she isn’t avalanched by a pile of loose bills every time she opens the closet at home because a million other desperate chumps had the same idea, that if they threw enough money at her that she was going to recognize their existence, let alone sleep with them? This single stupid idea is enough to create a multi-million dollar industry, and a monument to desperation made by legions of slaves building a pyramid out of a mile-high pile of sweaty bills.

The waitress business is a beauty industry, and men are so amped up at the sight of a hot waitress that they will fork over big money for nothing. It’s like the Tubes song, where “you can talk to a pretty girl” ... “but it will cost you a dollar first.” As insane as it sounds, I’ve heard of women putting themselves through law school just based on tips.

I knew a waitress who was on the downhill slide, but she was still good looking. She told me that she used to work as a bartender, when she was younger and slimmer. She had huge breasts and wore low cut blouses intentionally, not by accident. Do you think that this was related to how much money she made in tips? So a blatant sex sell was going on, but you’re a Cheap Charlie if you don’t shovel money onto the table for the privilege of being in the presence of a woman who through a genetic accident happens to be good looking. As I talked with this waitress her guard would come down occasionally, and I got a glimpse of a drab who held men in contempt, viewing them as dopes who were always suckers to provide innumerable tips, free drinks, and free meals.

If you think this is misogynistic, what about the fat girl with acne? Is she going to get hired as a waitress, or is she going to be in the humid kitchen with grease in her clothes and freckles on her skin where she’s been singed by splattered oil from the deep fryer? The busboy doesn’t get a tip –he’s making minimum wage. The same thing happens with men, where the young stud works as a waiter and the gangly guy with the bad complexion is the fry cook, sort of a non-animated Sponge Bob. And I’ve seen what happens when a waitress gets old and wrinkled, and isn’t quite so hot any more.

Oh, I’m waiting for the big retort. Remember, men have to be browbeaten in order to toe the line. I’m “cheap,” I’m “scum,” I don’t appreciate the hard work waitresses do, etc. Just this weekend I was talking with a short order cook working at a truck stop who was vainly trying to get any woman to take an interest in him. Why doesn’t he get tips? One reason is that he doesn’t wear a ‘D’ cup.

Stop tipping, dumbass. But even better, don’t patronize restaurants. Drive by Applebee’s and flip off the waitresses as you zoom by. Then take all of the money you saved on tips and throw a kick ass barbecue party at home. Invite beautiful women. Any woman who expects to be paid for the privilege of letting you talk to her can be told to get the $#@! back to TGIF, Chili’s, Fudrucker's, or some other clip joint trying to pass as a restaurant. If you want to tip somebody, tip your garbage man, who’s far more likely to get injured on the job than a waitress.