The 30 Day Sex Challenge

A pastor --and the moment I say “pastor” you know it’s going to suck—has issued a 30 day sex challenge to his congregation. He is asking married couples to have sex every day for 30 days.

Suppose I give you $100 every day and "challenge" you to spend it or give you gourmet food every day for a month and "challenge" you to eat it. Look at the photo of Raquel Welch. Now stop looking and keep reading the column. Imagine she is your girlfriend and I "challenge" you to have sex with her every day for a month. All of these so-called challenges are at a mind-numbing level of retardation.

But the catch is that you have to have sex with your wife. The problem here is that you’ve been having sex with the same woman for decades, and decades later she doesn’t look nearly as good as the woman you were having sex with twenty or thirty years ago.

Look, why don’t you marry a 50 year old woman? Because you're not attracted to old women. Sure, you marry Miss Sweet Young Thing now, but you will eventually be married to a 50 year old woman. What makes you think she’s going to look any better than the 50 year olds you see now? At 20 years of age you’re attracted to 20 year olds; at 50 years of age, you’re attracted to 20 year olds. Just because you turn 50 doesn’t mean you are suddenly repulsed by centerfold models and attracted to fat, withered women who are like ageing Shar Peis too tired to prick up their ears at the approach of the Grim Reaper.

But what happens is that when a guy gets sucked into marriage (often literally), he cannot see ahead. He can’t envision the endless drudgery and soul-killing hopelessness of being stuck with the same slowly decaying woman, typically accompanied by nagging, like a soundtrack from hell.

Marriage is Death to Your Sex Life

Pastor Wirth (or is that “Wirthless”?) refers to a study in which 20 million married Americans have sex 10 times a year or less. This is probably a lowball figure. As a high school student I remember a young teacher telling the class that married sex doesn’t happen every night. As a horny 17 year old, I just couldn’t wrap my mind around that concept. How could you be married and not have sex every night? Easy. This is why Sheepherder Wirth can issue a “challenge” to married people. Look at books like “He’s Just Not Up for It Anymore,” “The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire,” and ““The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido,” etc. These books are proof that sexless marriages are common.

And contrary to the stereotype of the frigid wife, it’s the husband who is more likely to say, “Not tonight, I have a headache.” Remember Al Bundy from “Married with Children”? I never did understand why he was totally uninterested in having sex with his wife. Now that I’ve been married twice, I know why. Although if you’re young you probably can’t understand this, but I can guarantee with greater certainty than the laws of gravity that you will eventually reach a point where you could care less about having sex with your wife. And that point may come much sooner than you think.

The Topsy-Turvy Nonsensical World of Christianity

You see, before you’re married, having sex every day with your girlfriend is the easiest thing in the world to do. Like “If I pushed you off a cliff, could you fall downward?” easy. But Goat Roper Wirth wants unmarried couples to abstain from sex.

If you were married, abstaining from sex for 30 days would be a piece of cake. Even someone as clueless as Calf Wrangler Wirth knows that at least 20 million married Americans do so every year without even trying.

But this is Christianity, so things must be contrary to human nature. Feel like having sex? Don’t. Don’t feel like having sex? Do it every day for the next month. Every thing you do that feels natural is a sin. Even feeling natural desires is a sin, as is thinking about those desires.

The whole principle of kaleidoscopic Alice in Wonderland Christianity is that you have a nature that you must resist. A Christian zookeeper would try to train fish not to swim, feed tofu to tigers, and put cats in the pool with penguins. Then he’d beat the hell out of any animal that got out of line. “Hey, you cows better stop grazing, dammit! And you monkeys, stay out of the trees!”

P.S. Why don’t other professions besides clergymen call themselves by dumbass obsolete agrarian titles? Like truck drivers could start calling themselves “Cow Puncher Smith,” and plumbers could use elevated titles like “Swineherd Johnson,” you know, just to build their prestige. I mean, who would you want operating on your brain, Doctor Jones, or someone with a cutting edge, relevant title from the mists of antiquity like “Muleskinner Jones”?